fuel up

It was awesome, like i said before that it's gonna be awesome. I am really touched by God and what He has done for all of us at the camp. It's so amazing how God works. We were faithless people when we did not think that the estimated 90 people would sign up. I estimated 70, the final time Howai counted was 70, but somehow... there's 90 campers. Then there were just so many coincidences that I can't even start with one to talk about! NOT COINCIDENCES. it's God. God changed me through Fuel, now He changed me again through Fuel Up. Oh God... i am just so overwhelmed.

And did i mention worship at the last youth service of the year????!!!! WOW.
That, is true worship.

of course coming back from a 3 days 2 nights camp, recharged spiritually, convicted, passionate,..... you would think that i would have a longer blog entry. but what else can i say; it's all in my heart.

It's different. Everything starts to shift with the changing perspective.

wow.
wow
wow
Wow
wow
wow
WOW!

God is so good, so faithful, and i really love You.

Now i should be sleeping. all those pimples and blackheads and dark circles grr.. but God knows what's really on my mind now is worship, and i'm really excite how things will change..

EXCITE!

change

God knocks some sense into my head 10 am in the morn and i feel like i have to note these down.

i have to stop being such a

-procrastinator
-lazy person
-unfocused+unpurposeful teenager
-unhealthy girl
-bimbo
-fatigue-plagued-in-the-morning-can't-wake-up student
-timewaster
-irritable daughter

i have to get rid of

-my school work
-my room
-my messy boy stuff that's mostly in my head not heart and not even existing now
-my cell-hopping habits
-my dad. yes, my dad.

all these have solutions. i know nothing is impossible with God. SO, i am going to write my new year resolutions soon enough for the coming new year. now i'm just going back to sleep.

Merry Christmas.

i'm extremely excited

oh gosh i can't tell you how high i am now. there's so much things to do on these last few days of camp and my mind is all over the place hahaha. wow i really hope the camp will turn out better than great. Nothing is impossible with GOD aye?

YES, I LOVE FUEL UP ALREADY.

good triumps bad

Good things happen you know? I'm counting the blessings - it's much better.

Cell chalet was high. I think we just laughed all the way until breakfast time when the fatigue kicks in. LOL. We should have more of these, it's real fun, so much fun. :D

Then i went for my sec2 class' gathering at my friend's place right after we checked out. so guess what; i slept for 2 hours, woke up when more people came, we played cards and watched hairspray, i dozed off in between, woke up, ordered dinner, i went to sleep, woke up and ate dinner, went home. wow cool. i know, well done sinee.

Camp comm tried out the games today.
Fuel Up is so gonna rock your socks. SIGN UP NOW.
27th-29th Dec, $40, Salvation Army Camp site, sign up closing date 23rd Dec.
Interested? email me at pehsinee@hotmail.com


NOW. seriously.

junkie; i was trying to die i guess

yeah, i was definitely trying to kill myself by eating 100000000 calories worth or junk food from yesterday to today. i am not kidding. we ate like 3 tubs of ben and jerry's, 3 humongous packs of chips, and lots of biscuits, then there are left overs. so i ate chips and chips for breakfast and lunch today. AH!

i wanna detox. i am going to keep away from the junk at chalet tmr. and i will drink water as if i am permanently dehydrated. bleah, junkfood is so gross, but i couldn't stop eating them. my throat hurts and my tongue too! D:

take courage

woah today i went on stage and gave a testimony woah!
hahaha i was so nervous and happy at the same time. butterflies were flying all over in my stomach. my heart was beating extremeeeeely fast. wow. i love being on stage. :D my speechcomm skills come to use! i'm glad i took mass comm woah.

when i saw davin and derrick sitting at the front i was soooo glad, cos i couldn't see all the people at the back (i.e. my cell, np cell, ferdi's cell, people i know), and i felt a little scared. so i was glad at least i can see davin derrick, and howai. and pastor charissa was standing with me, thank God. at some point she said amen to sthg i said, and i was so encouraged. thank you COOS youth! i stammered quite a few times though, i tried the act-like-i'm-not-nervous stunt, and i failed terribly hahahaha. but at the end i was fine, i can feel it, can my hands stopped shaking. :D i am happy to be doing this for God, anyway.
















talked to cerise over dinner. i love you babe!
Psalm 31:24
"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord."

desperation

honestly,

except for one person i continuously rant to, nobody knows what the hell i am talking about or what kind of bloody mess this is.

no, it's not about deadlines

no, it's not about being tired of life

no, it's not about fasting getting tough

no, it's not about falling away from my dear God

no it's not about family

no it's not about pressure of any sort

no, it's not about anything anyone thinks it is.


it's about something i don't know how to, and i don't want to, put in words.
it's about something nobody can help or say anything that can make me feel better.

i am desperate.

but no matter what, no one can understand except for the one person who knows what the hell i am talking about!

so thank you but it's okay, don't try anymore.

i plunged in again...

thank God i finished the writcom exercise already
thank God i have no sch tmr
thank God i have free time to be down
thank God i can be alone tmr
thank God for being here with me

because my mind is in a total blank now, and my heart feels like it's going to turn to dust. my body feels empty my head feels heavy and my eyes feel filled to the brim with liquid. because without God i think i am already dead.

the rain is not going to stop anytime soon.
i'm freezing.

i want to throw up.

isaiah 40:31

i try my best.

why did God curse Eve.

Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn’t her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even.

He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve’s heart shifted at the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul – and ours – that mistrust of God’s heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching; she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.

Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes;
I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Hosea 2:6-7

Jesus has to thwart us too – thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh, we might turn to him for our “salvation,” for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our heart remains broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.

And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman’s life hemming her in. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our “way of life” which is not life at all.

(Captivating (, 96-97)

suddenly busy

so, i am really pissed off today. i don't know, it's just been so irritating with some people, like a certain fsv teacher zzzzzzzzzzz. he made me scold bad word. anyway i feel so busy suddenly! like the to do list has just gotten 5 times longer. My goodness... oh well, i guess it's because of the end-of-year phenomenon. People get BUSY. Oh but i'm kind of glad i have things to do... hahaha, i like the purposefulness :D i have things like shopping, going to chalet, etc, on the list, ON TOP OF deadlines to meet. WAH SO BUSY!

haha, and i went to cut my hair today. damn it, it's so retarded to go to JB just to cut hair. it jammed this afternoon and pissed my mum off so we're never ever going to JB just to cut hair ever again, never ever again, never! but, the hair cut is good, really.

Ask, and you shall receive.

Dear heavenly Father, I thank you for all the things you've provided me with, and i know you're giving the best for my needs. Lord i pray that you'll send an iPod touch my way, because you've created such a wonderful thing and I LOVE IT. Yes, i love it. Daddy, please grant my wish, if it's in your will. You're awesome and almighty and it says in your Word that nothing is impossible. So God i'm very sure you will provide. I pray for the iPod touch to be in my hands sooooon. Thank you Lord. Amen.

my dear classmates

Speechcom lesson today was awesome. Tears, true feelings, revealed. And i guess i looked like the happiest thing on earth, not that i would rather keep things to myself or that i don't trust you all, just that it'll probably help more if i can stay being the happy icon that i've been. maybe i don't understand fully your stories, but i know why the tears.

My dear classmates, i admire the courage of those of you who bared your souls, and let it out. I really do. Sometimes there are things that hurt, and nothing can ever take that pain away, but it's that pain that shapes us, who we are and who we will become. Life slaps us silly. We hate it. We fight our battles thinking wth are we doing. We hate it. People around us say things that hurt. We hate it. We try too hard to prove a point. We hate it. Sick and tired, torn and battered.

Where is the turning point?

online shopping

okay, mood today: happy. the saucy ad presentation for issues is quite well done :) it's much better than the political gangster one, and i'm happy with myself. and of cos, with the rest of the group too. there's still quite some sch work to do, so i'm gonna stop playing fm or a while.... or maybe not. yes, i play FOOTBALL MANAGER, and yes, i think i'm still a girl. what am i talking about?

anyway, my threadless tees arrived!! yayyyyyyyyyy. i kinda regret ordering L cos it's a little baggy for me. but i love them still, and i can live with baggy shirts. :D

online shopping is so addictive, yeah, i know you've heard this for the umpteenth time. i just ordered david and goliath shirts last night. maybe i should stop buying shirts and start looking ard for bags and shoes.

I WANT TO COLLECT DUMB BLONDES! no, not like paris hilt*n or jess*ca simpson. i mean david and goliath shirts, they have this dumb blonde series, it's really cute and funny! there's like 23 of them. if i wanna collect, it'll cos me
USD18 x 23 = USD 414 = SGD 616.86 + shipping + misc charges = ard SGD 630
don't have that kind of money. D:

damn

i am screwing up every single thing i try to do.

the freaking grammar test had some weird thing happening, the answer boxes were like screwed up so i couldn't type any answers in them. i tried to reattempt and realised i can't. F*&K.

i am thinking maybe i should just forget about the damn radio assignment as well.
and i really feel like cutting class again tmr. i need a 2-years-holidays or sthg.

damn it. i should just burn my house down. oh shit, i live in a HDB FLAT so i'll end up buring the flat down. maybe i should evacuate the others first before i do anything. you think?

yes you think i'm stupid.

okay i have to do f*&king cue sheet and production whatever, i don't even know what's the difference btwn them.. i'll never become a dj.

hide, or run?

shit happens.

thank you though,
marcus
ferdinand
isaac
tim
aini

thank you for asking, listening, trying.
arigatou.

i can be stubborn i'm sorry. and, i don't need some psychological shit though i think i am going crazy. what the heck.

ikuta toma!

HANA KIMI. japanese version is the best really.














































































































YES i think i am madly in love with ikuta toma. "homo ja nai!"
adorable. nakatsu is the best role in hana kimi :D because toma played it well. fabulousa!

all night prayer

i brought along my pillow, and went through the longest worship ever. learnt how to soak in God's presence and just let him touch me.

The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
-Zeph 3:17


i did not fall asleep. :)

why do we even question.

today there was a little debate about religions. eugene was doing doing the issues stuff, and we were searching for muslim laws and all. then questions about the quran and the bible were raised. of cos, i wasn't sure how to handle some questions thrown at me, and as a daughter of God, i didn't want to dishonour my Father. and i will never condemn the other religions as well. i guess the part from Epic below, is a little answer to our hearts' questions. The rest will have to filled by God daddy himself.

Will Everyone I Love Be There?
11/06/2007

The kingdom of heaven is like a king who prepared a wedding banquet for his son. He sent his servants to those who had been invited to the banquet to tell them to come, but they refused to come. Then he sent some more servants and said, “Tell those who have been invited that I have prepared my dinner . . . Come to the wedding banquet.” But they paid no attention and went off—one to his field, another to his business. (Matthew 22:2–5)

Now for a sobering truth, more sobering than any other we have considered.

To be honest, we must understand that not everyone lives happily ever after, not in any tale. This promise of the happy ending—or the new beginning—is only for the friends of God. Many people do not want the life that God offers them.

Remember—he gave us free will.

He gave us a choice.

We seem to forget—perhaps more truthfully, we refuse to remember—that we are the ones who betrayed him, not vice versa. We are the ones who listened to the lies of the Evil One in the Garden; we chose to mistrust the heart of God. In breaking the one command he gave us, we set in motion a life of breaking his commands. (You have loved God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? You have loved your neighbor as yourself?)

The final act of self-centeredness is seen in those who refuse to come to the wedding banquet of God (Matthew 22:2–3). They do not want God. They reject his offer of forgiveness and reconciliation through Jesus. What is he to do? The universe has only two options. If they insist, God will grant to them what they have wanted—to be left to themselves.

To be rescued from an eternity apart from God—this is why the rescued ones fall before him at the Great Feast in songs of gratitude and worship. Yes, we will worship God. It won’t be like a church service, but we will worship him. We will adore him.

But that day has not yet come.

Until then, the invitation of life stands.

I have set before you life and death . . . Now choose life. (Deuteronomy 30:19)

(Epic, 88 - 92)

the game plan = update

okay first of all, the game plan is a great movie which made me cry buckets. secondly, i have loads to update but i am too busy now, and i have work to rush, yet again. third, guess i'll update in a few days' time. for now, go watch THE GAME PLAN. haha :D

dream

I had a really weird dream last night, i wouldn't call it a nightmare though it's really scary.
cos i dreamt that i died and i went to heaven. and i seriously thought everything was real... Some more i asked the others in heaven if it's real, and they assured me that i really got shot in my head by someone (yeah it's all the things that happened before i die that's scary) and went to heaven, it's not a dream. so i was really happy! like, COOL I AM IN HEAVEN no need to do my radio report. and i went around looking for people i know. i saw some, and it's like there's many many many rooms in heaven. each room has different things going on. some of them were learning how to play electric guitars, and i joined them, but then the guitars in heaven seem a little different so i gave up trying. and some people were doing experiments ....?!? hahahha, but it's so peaceful and joyous everywhere.

then i woke up.
where am i?
shit i'm still at home, in my own bed, i didn't die, much less went to heaven.

ya, i'm going to do my radio report now.

cookies business

CHECK THIS OUT

really tasty ;)

anyway, school was fine today. it's slack, it's boring, but i still like it :D tmr will be gymming plus movie. hahaha, so lame! actually i have a lot of time i waste. but well, i have lots of purposeful things to do as well! like.... my assignments.

coming week

okey dokey, today is sunday, tmr is schoolday! :D i feel lazy to go to school, but i guess i'm still happy, at least it's better than rotting at home or going to work hahaha. have quite some schwork to do, speech, journals, radio report. THINK RADIO :) did the 1 min capsule on akon - what boring subject.

weekend was fine, church and time with God and the siao people in COOS. jamie suddenly went missing :(
anyway, i got my pay (yes, finally!) and i went shopping alone on sat cos i had the time between meeting liane and church service. ended up spending ard 200 at topshop, sheesh. then, i forgot to tithe for this month. OH MY GOODNESS. haha, nvm, i'll just tithe together for Nov.
















i love my dried roses.

can't believe 2007 is coming to an end so soon. seems really really fast, a year after another. such difference, such nostalgia, yet at the same time looking forward. looking forward to His plan revealing..

caged

Locked up. most of us feel caged in some way or another, and the meaning of the word freedom has changed over time. it's no longer freedom, it's limited freedom. you can't have everything you want, or do anything you like, just because there's no way, like no matter how many Heroes episodes we watch, we don't possess that kind of supernatural abilities. how i wish i can fly.

"What is impossible with man, is possible with God." Man, is man. We live by society's rules, and obeys God, we are expected to. I'm not complaining, just thinking... That maybe it's because we couldn't meet expectations, and hence our expectations are not met, and in disappointment we crushed them and never look back.

Why is life like this? All i want is freedom. i wanna break away.
but i've been at the same spot since forever, and my roots have grown deep. even if i uproot, i am still caged.

no matter where you run, you're running into a bigger cage.

Think About it, Think, Think About it

Watched this during IS class today and it's super funny! they're a band from new zealand and i think they're really cute :D

postsecret

this is from postsecret.blogspot.com
speaks for so many people, including me.

















don't be mistaken, this is not from postsecret, haha!
guess who drew this :D

of course it's me! haha... first day of school is refreshing :) true, 2 weeks later i'll be complaining, but for now, i'm glad to be back in school. T103 is no more T103, we're T108 now... back to campus, bubbletea, slacking in the library, dozing off in lectures, :D being happy!

my lecturer is bald, and i cannot remember his name.

sucker

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......................!>!!!!!!&*^^&%^&@^$%$%^@!!T&*OPUQW





ANGST.
i'm sorry. to God daddy. to myself. to everyone who cares. God, i am surrendering. You know i am, my dear God. but why... i am trying my best and i'm doing it. why is this test getting tougher. why must it be now i realised how stupid i really am. i hate . i hate . i hate . i hate .

liar.
it's not that i cannot let go, i can, that's why i'm surrendering already. but i don't feel sad now. no, not sadness. it's ANGST. ANGST! why. i feel so cheated. hello? i am not a doll, i am not a bloody puppet, what you said to me cannot be unsaid. i don't care you pretended nothing happened, i don't care anymore. but just as i thought we can be friends again, i realised how big is this lie. i hate you. I HATE YOU.

let me tell you this. give me back my damn volleyball and we don't ever have to meet again. even if we bumped into each other, you'll be invisible to me, and i will be invisible to you. until you realise what a bastard you are.

you're worse than any other guy in the past. cos YOU pretended.

born again

My heart is dancing with joy now.

i am no longer my old self. the whole baptism was... amazing. and this is the first day of my wonderful life, that i live for Jesus.

THANK YOU!!! i love COOS youth, and all of you who congratulated me, gave my flowers, gifts, balloons, handshakes, hugs, smiles, screams of joy. hahaha flo almost suffocated me. jengting bong my head with the balloon :D LOL. yongjin gave me so many things i wonder which is the baptism present ahhaha. shook a zillion hands, said a zillion thanks. Mum was happy for me. and God says let the deflating balloon signify the end of all that you couldn't let go. and i must say, i feel so light now.

i'm baby laurel.
Laurel, crown of victory.

love-hate

many a times the heart plays tug-o-war with itself, entangling itself in love-hate affairs. irony irony irony. i wonder was it the same for Jesus. the pain he went through, certainly brought along agony. had there been a moment that He hated us cos we hurt him when he loved us so much? what does it mean to forgive and what does it mean to accept and what does it mean to love?


okay that was my emo being. anyway, on a happier note, say happy!, hahha we celebrated shanyu's birthday yesterday. GAVE HIM AN UMBRELLA.














hahah, and we made him do the rihanna dance with it, hilarious. he was reluctant la, but haha who ask for it to be his birthday. went to esplanade after dinner, lots of artsy fartsy stuff k! i like. :D and i went to haji lane yest with peilin before church. nice nice place. then i kept asking shanyu again and again for the name cos i keeeeep forgetting HAJI LANE. hahahaha. anyway yest was wonderful.

search for God.

time for update :D

last weekend i went to cameron highlands for a breather away from this busy city, all that buzz. no msn, no sms, no work, no friends. maybe just noisy grandparents hahaha - i went with family. apart from strawberries, tea plants, flowers, strawberry products everywhere, i've seen the wonders God created. took plenty of pictures and here's just a few.

















The Waterfall we passed by on our way up the mountain. the route winds in and out, turns left and right nonstop for like 2 hours from hill bottom to top so we had to rest. btw, on the way down when we went home, i almost puked, felt super giddy, and we din rest :/

















The mountains. and hills. and people who live amidst.
















Flowery hill. they have flowers growing everywhere.
















strawberries! and the pale pink&green ones are the babies, and there's even strawberry flowers.




















They grow orchids. LOTS of orchids.
















Bird of paradise. Can see that it's crying?
















they have all sorts of flowers there, and this is only one of the many kinds i have never seen before.

















I guess this is lavenders? i don't know.. but they're purple, and they grow in long sticks.
















sky of the late noon, just before the sun sets.
















sky of the sunset

Awesome? haha, that's cos i have good camera skills. ya i'm just kidding hahahha. they're the Lord's beautiful creations. and i was in awe. :)

monday night we came home, and i ponned work on tuesday. psycho ben's birthday! we celebrated mooncake fest AND his birthday tt evening at lakeside hahaha. dun feel sad you're not invited because noone's really invited hahaha. just that the lakesidees (usual me jamie erastus) wanted to celebrate the full moon, and i happened to be talking to chiyang monday night so the next day chiyang ben and anand came. funny funny funny things we did. birthday boy bullied me D;

okay wednesday i dragged myself to work. today too. tomorrow too.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANYU GE GE. :D

and one more thing! Fighter's club on facebook! hahahha it's such fun though kinda senseless if you think about it. but still! i am so sad i fought so hard, my supporters fought so hard and lost to tim D:

work

work really gets suckier by the day. it's not the things they make me do, it's the mundane things they made me do every day. D: alot of people will say, 10 per hour, it's quite easy money. yeah, but i'm NOT happy working. i'd rather play with kids to earn less like psycho ben. hmm, maybe i'll like to consider what job i take up the next time, and not just the money factor.

anyway, this video is a part from a walk to remember. i really love this song and i think mandy moore is a very talented singer. her voice is amazing.

God is working miracles

Healing.

yes, healing. i've been surviving with a wound i won't allow Him to touch. thank you Lord for last night. when i finally picked up courage to face you, when i finally think about this issue objectively, God spoke to me. And He showed me the truth, and the reasons. I've seen for myself, so that there's no denying, that what didn't happen, didn't happen for a reason. and what happened is probably caused by our own foolishness. i guess i was upset because i didn't understand, like how the king didn't understand his dream and was desperate to get things back into control. surrendering, is difficult. i am trying hard to move on from this drama, some big blur i cannot comprehend. question is, if you are not moving on, should i? God wants me to put it down, so He can fix it, or give me something else. 2 years later everything would have changed into something totally different. God's unpredictable. life's unpredictable.

maybe this will be the final realisation. and i will put it down. because God's answers came, and they were all i was waiting for. and now it's time for healing.

angst

i cannot stand it. but i cannot let it out, i cannot let it go.

it's nothing compared to the pain Jesus went through. still, i don't think it's fair.

walk alone

i didn't go to east coast park today like i planned to.
too tired. there are just some things people who think they know everything won't understand. they talk big they have noble aspirations they know how to deal with their problems and they can offer every possible solution to mine. but they don't understand i don't want solutions. i want someone who will walk with me through it.

that's all i want.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again

secrets

Only He can see inside my heart, and understand the deepest emotions hidden beneath. The core of my heart. All i really want to do now, is to find myself. All this while, i've been too busy looking for someone, and now God made me realise through many ways that maybe i am more important to me. That maybe i want to find me. And i do, but where do i start... i don't even know where i am.

or who i am.

Daddy put rainbow in the cloud. The sky earlier on in the evening was beautiful, it was simply amazing, and the best thing i've seen - ever. i love you God.

Someone or something has romanced us from the beginning with creek-side singers and pastel sunsets, with the austere majesty of snowcapped mountains and the poignant flames of autumn colors telling us of something—or someone—leaving, with a promise to return. These things can, in an unguarded moment, bring us to our knees with longing for this something or someone who is lost; someone or something only our heart recognizes.

when the bees sting when the dogs bite when i'm feeling sad..... i might not be able to hear God, but He captivates me with the best. thank you. and shanyuuuuuu, you're appreciated, thank you brother. :)

office life is not much of life.

this was me when i first reached the office this morning. i was smiling. i thought: hmm, what are they going to give me today? there's no more cold-calling... (cos alvin told me the ones we RUSHED on friday are the last batch!)
















then, i got even more. this time, 15 pages. what you see above is one page. yeah, you can imagine my dumbfounded face and alvin's black face. anyway, we decided since this is never-ending, might as well do slowly and not be so stupid as last week. anyway alvin left at 12 plus for something, and i survived well on my own. my colleagues are quite cute la :D haha. and whoa whoa i witnessed office politics today.... sigh, real life.















^my face at 5 pm. i only finished 8 pages, meaning i called (8 times 36) companies, meaning i said the same thing 288 times, sometimes longer sometimes shorter, but i always have to say "hi, i'm calling from pacific internet." and once i almost said "hi, welcome to pacific ocean." i am not kidding you. telemarketing does weird things to my mind... i had to sms cerise to get thru the morning. i went to the washroom 5 times in the noon, and went to the pantry thrice. i am starting to get restless!

GOD BLESS ME.