axiomation

Like a Rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me

i am having alot of thoughts now. i love my cell. everybody's so sweet. and as i start to fit in, i start to know them... God is prompting me to go ahead. Go ahead with what i'm not sure. He just told me to go ahead. probably go ahead to know them better, go ahead to share and care. i don't know.. i guess i've been too self-centered. although for the past 6 months i've been a christian and i've been so happy because of God, it just dawned on me suddenly this morning as i read the blogs of others, that i've selfishly kept all the love He has given to me by myself. i know it's a funny thing to say. i mean since He has abundant love, so it's okay right? no, not at all. He gave me the ability to love, yet, what have i done in His glory? share the gospel sometimes, maybe. pray for my friends and family, maybe. but how much have i loved? too little, i realised. i wanna serve Him with a pure heart. pure heart pure heart pure heart. but as i read entries of others' blogs, i found this knot in my heart that i've ignored for so long and thus forgotten it's there, thinking all this time that i am serving Him with a pure heart. so the reason i'm feeling down now is not because i'm affected by the emo entries. it's because i suddenly feel the weight of my own burdens once again, and i feel bad because these burdens on my back are much lighter than burdens on some others' backs, and in my happiness, i was too ignorant to notice all these. i am sad to say i'm not free. i am ashamed to say i have difficulty living by His word. i am speechless to realise that i haven't learnt to love, though He has already taught me how to. all because of this knot in my heart. probably not a dead knot but i just left it there untouched for quite a while.. i don't know what i'm afraid of. i tried, but it didn't work. Lord, i tried so hard to forgive, yet... perhaps that's why. it's not that i don't trust You, Lord. i know that if i continue to pray, You'll straighten things out for me, but i think after all the things that happened, i am not sure if i find it neccessary to solve this problem anymore. well, i guess it's a calling from You for me to come back down to earth, to face it bravely finally and to trust in You. for You are the only way.

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."
and i think what we all need right now is the truth.