junkie; i was trying to die i guess

yeah, i was definitely trying to kill myself by eating 100000000 calories worth or junk food from yesterday to today. i am not kidding. we ate like 3 tubs of ben and jerry's, 3 humongous packs of chips, and lots of biscuits, then there are left overs. so i ate chips and chips for breakfast and lunch today. AH!

i wanna detox. i am going to keep away from the junk at chalet tmr. and i will drink water as if i am permanently dehydrated. bleah, junkfood is so gross, but i couldn't stop eating them. my throat hurts and my tongue too! D:

take courage

woah today i went on stage and gave a testimony woah!
hahaha i was so nervous and happy at the same time. butterflies were flying all over in my stomach. my heart was beating extremeeeeely fast. wow. i love being on stage. :D my speechcomm skills come to use! i'm glad i took mass comm woah.

when i saw davin and derrick sitting at the front i was soooo glad, cos i couldn't see all the people at the back (i.e. my cell, np cell, ferdi's cell, people i know), and i felt a little scared. so i was glad at least i can see davin derrick, and howai. and pastor charissa was standing with me, thank God. at some point she said amen to sthg i said, and i was so encouraged. thank you COOS youth! i stammered quite a few times though, i tried the act-like-i'm-not-nervous stunt, and i failed terribly hahahaha. but at the end i was fine, i can feel it, can my hands stopped shaking. :D i am happy to be doing this for God, anyway.
















talked to cerise over dinner. i love you babe!
Psalm 31:24
"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord."

desperation

honestly,

except for one person i continuously rant to, nobody knows what the hell i am talking about or what kind of bloody mess this is.

no, it's not about deadlines

no, it's not about being tired of life

no, it's not about fasting getting tough

no, it's not about falling away from my dear God

no it's not about family

no it's not about pressure of any sort

no, it's not about anything anyone thinks it is.


it's about something i don't know how to, and i don't want to, put in words.
it's about something nobody can help or say anything that can make me feel better.

i am desperate.

but no matter what, no one can understand except for the one person who knows what the hell i am talking about!

so thank you but it's okay, don't try anymore.

i plunged in again...

thank God i finished the writcom exercise already
thank God i have no sch tmr
thank God i have free time to be down
thank God i can be alone tmr
thank God for being here with me

because my mind is in a total blank now, and my heart feels like it's going to turn to dust. my body feels empty my head feels heavy and my eyes feel filled to the brim with liquid. because without God i think i am already dead.

the rain is not going to stop anytime soon.
i'm freezing.

i want to throw up.

isaiah 40:31

i try my best.